J. S. Eiland
Delusions of Grandeur
I have long been willing to at least entertain that I may maintain delusions of grandeur. For all those who know me well, you know my confidence. Annoyingly so I know at times, but ultimately useful. That being read... there are never times which I don’t believe I can accomplish a goal. I know there are however times, though it may be difficult to come to terms with, when this confidence in myself may seem like arrogance. In truth I must admit, grudgingly so, that I even may be arrogant from time to time. After all I claim greatness, not perfection, for one alone has achieved that prize. Though I do try my conscious best to toe that fine line for I believe confidence to be a great thing and at the risk of running too much confidence I say collect as much confidence you can. Regardless, confidence seems the most immediately necessary character trait to consider myself grand delusional. So check in column one I suppose.
Admittedly, because I am so often confident it unconsciously shows in my actions, words, tones, gestures, movements, glances; ways often unnoticeable to all but an unconscious mind, nonetheless noticeable still. I’ve noticed in myself, I tend to smirk often. It is, at times, a very sly smirk. This is one trait I believe displays my confidence and can be misidentified as arrogance. In truth I smirk because first, I am happy and a smirk is still a smile; second, a smirk acts as a confident defense. Half the time I smirk I allude to something without having to say anything. As if someone asks me a question of me I will smirk and let their brain fill in whatever it may. In this way smirking can be as much of a defense mechanism as anything else.
Please understand dear reader, I did not learn this and then begin smirking. Not at all but the complete opposite is true. First I sought my own tendencies of which smirking is one. From there I diligently differentiated dozens of smirking scenarios and I deciphered witness responses to smirking and analyzed those in turn. Perhaps all any of this proves is to buy myself time to think or skirt the issue in some way.
For my part though, I believe a happy little happenstance is meant to encourage us to take a step back, slow down, breathe deeply, remember that we are alive and will likewise never be in this moment ever again for the duration of those lives. I believe in the recognition and realization of these moments when we can rejuvenate ourselves. Overall, what I am driving at here is the admittance, my belief in God. Not for fear for my soul. Because believing in God, I can believe in all magic. Because what is magic but facts science has not yet discovered? Is God not magical? I choose to believe in the science of the future, today. Too long has our culture held, clung to the past like a security blanket. So if my confidence in what I believe leads me to grandiose exploits and statements so be it. And if this is delusions of grandeur than label me delusional.
It doesn’t take much to realize there is a lot of pain and wrongdoing in our world these days. Sinkhole opens up in China. Man slaughters family with hatchet We’ve become far too accustomed to these headings, our defense mechanisms respond slovenly towards the debauchery pumped into our world every day. Because of this I believe wholeheartedly and so heavily in the other side, the good side. The love and caregiving we hear so little about are too often surrounded in mystical and transformational story lines, one cannot help but well up with happiness but those stories are told far too seldom. So if I am delusional at least my delusions will project positivity and not negativity. Honestly, I would likely hope that if I am delusional, I would in fact hold delusions of grandeur. Might as well go big, after all if I am looking to radiate positive energy, delusional or otherwise.
In conclusion, I do not believe I am delusional. Bold statement, I know. (smirk) I am eccentric and prefer to believe in the good of the world instead of the bad. “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” - Martin Luther King Junior. I believe in the power of dreams to change the world. “Never give up on what you really want to do. The person with big dreams is more powerful than the one with all the facts.” - Albert Einstein. I believe in the positive reinforcement of those dreams making them strong by rote. I believe these dreams have a strength to provoke people to make what may seem like outrageous claims in full confidence. “We’re more popular than Jesus now, I don’t know which will go first, rock n’ roll or Christianity.” John Lennon. I believe those who dream can bring to pass, completely of their own volition any change through preparation and diligence. “Give me six hours to cut down a tree, and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.” Abraham Lincoln. I believe in things I cannot see, hear, smell, touch, taste because I can feel them, and honestly life is more fun this way. I believe we each have the power to guide our own destiny however we wish by simply telling ourselves we will. I will win a Pulitzer Prize! So if my preferring to believe in the greatness of myself, and you, and our world, and life means I have delusions of grandeur, than so be it. I believe I find myself in some great company. Don’t you?